I have this habit of questioning pretty much everything. It’s awful.
Lately, this awesomest author in the world put this post on facebook because people with fake names were saying crap things – I hate them for that – and that if you ever feel the urge to say crap, imagine saying it to someone’s face, showing who you are, and if you would still decide to say it. That if you feel the need to say shit to other people, have the balls to do it out of your own name.
And it made me think about me. I don’t say shitty things about other people through the internet – seriously, it’s quite pathetic – I actually try my hardest to put the focus on the positive side of things when I reply on the internet, but the name you see at the top of this page is not my name. It’s a name I made up mixing together the 4 names of the main characters in the two stories I wrote. And that’s the point. I don’t always write out of my own name, either. Of course I have a facebook account with my real name and a twitter and instagram, but they’re on private because of personal reasons. There are people who used to be in my life that have absolutely no business in watching anything I do. That’s why I created this name, so that they wouldn’t know it was me. But I found out that it’s… freeing. I don’t open up to others well, it takes either forever or I won’t do it at all, but I found out I find it easier to speak my thoughts when no one knows who I am. But there’s more. Lately I’m thinking more and more about taking another instagram account with another name where I can fangirl like crazy about the books I read so that the people I know in real life won’t see it on their timeline anymore. And I already said before that I love, LOVE to write, but it took me forever to even tell my sister and my real name isn’t at the top of my wattpad account either. And I wonder what it says about me.
Am I so embarrassed by my own thoughts and passions that I don’t want my friends(or what’s left of them) and family to see? Am I scared that they will think I’m an immature child who should stop living in her dream world of books and book-boyfriends and pay more attention to something like a career (which is awfully non-existent at the moment) and a better job.
The saddest part is that I can’t even answer that. And that’s exactly what worries me.
I’m always, always wondering and afraid of what other people must think of me and I turn myself absolutely insane with it and I can’t seem to stop it. I’ve had this ever since I hit puberty nine years ago. I have issues. I’m very aware of that and the fact that I have very many. And I haven’t tackled many either. Or none, possibly. I’m trying my best lately, because I’m sick of being insecure and acting like a shy idiot around people, but some days it’s harder than others.
I have to admit that some days I look in the mirror and I’m not even all that bothered by what I see, that I can say, ‘well, today is a good day.’ And then there are days that I start scowling at the first glance and turn away from the mirror. There are days that I go to work happy and even though it’s not even close to a dream job to probably anyone, I am grateful that I have it and that I have sweet colleagues and that this job is the only thing that assures me and my family of having a roof above our heads and that even though I hadn’t exactly planned my life to look like this when I was younger, I’m still content. Other days I absolutely hate the choices I made that put me on the point where I am now, because I know very well that I was the one who threw my future away when I decided to take a leap year instead of going to college. I have to admit that these major differences in the look on my life have something to do with a monthly cycle(women with probably understand what I mean by that faster than guys 😉 ) but they also have to do with what people around me say, to either me or someone who was way smarter than me and do go to college or got some kind of other degree. Because the thing is that I have the brains to get a high education. It’s just that at a point of major importance, I was ignorant of vital information. And I was scared.
That’s another thing about me. I hate changes and I’m not good with new things, like new schools or shit like that. I’m scared of putting myself out there because I don’t want to get hurt. By either my own awkwardness or other people’s rejection at my weird personality. Like I said, I have many many issues. I like to keep myself safe and I know it’s wrong, honestly I know, but I still do it. And lately I’m trying to let go of this fear of… living and try to put myself out there more. I force myself to try to keep up a conversation with someone I don’t know rather than letting it fall into an awkward silence and I’m not saying that I’m succeeding all the time and I’m still too awkward for this world, but at least I’m trying, right? At least that’s what I tell myself.
But when I have one of my not so great days, I almost instantly fall back into my own habits and draw back into this safe world I created for myself that consists of books and music and these characters that popped up in my head one day and I started to love the more I wrote their story down. Why? Because I love that world. It’s my happy place and I don’t get hurt there. And yes, I realize that I totally sound like a kid right now.
And I don’t open up about how I truly feel often, not even to my closet relatives, because I don’t want to bother them and I don’t want to feel like I’m this stupid complainer(and yes, I totally feel like one right now) and if I don’t even like who I am half the time, I sure as hell don’t want them to know about it.
I get your question, if you’re as guarded as you say you are, why in the world would you put this out there on the internet, for the world to see? Well, I’m not entirely sure, either. What I do know is that writing this down kinda really helped getting it off my chest(As you probably suspected by now, I keep a lot of shit bottled up inside) and I did say in my bio at my arrival on wordpress that I wanted to open up more and it’s been over a year since I started and I don’t think I’ve ever been more honest.
So imagine me cringing as my finger hovers above the Publish button, because I’m scared shitless, but as this book I just finished told me, You need to take risks in life.